Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
