We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
