Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
