my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
