How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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