someone threw a dead crab at me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
