Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
