i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
