Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
