Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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