There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
