Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
