i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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