I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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