I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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