I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This is the high leading the old right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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