Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
