so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The uberlube is also flammable
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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