Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
