im about as happy as oj after his trial
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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