Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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