My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
