I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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