Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
