i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
