My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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