i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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