i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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