tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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