would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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