she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
