I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
