my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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