2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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