HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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