this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
