phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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