Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
