FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
