Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
