So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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