Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
