I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
