Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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