4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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