I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
