Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
