Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
