Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
