seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
