remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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