The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
