I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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